


I wake up and the anger has been waiting for me

by skyeofskynet



Category: Dragon Age II, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Daddy Issues, Gen, Warden Carver Hawke
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-27
Updated: 2015-06-27
Packaged: 2018-04-06 12:00:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4220934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skyeofskynet/pseuds/skyeofskynet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The letter about Hawke's sacrifice finds Carver in the Weisshaupt Fortress. He's coping the only way he knows. With anger.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I wake up and the anger has been waiting for me

**Author's Note:**

> Written for a kink meme plot prompt: http://dragonage-kink.livejournal.com/12449.html?thread=48434849#t48434849

He destroys every one of training dummies in the yard, imagining it's her, until his arms hurt too much to lift the sword again. Still, only the voice he hears behind his back makes him stop trying.

"Whoa, hold your horses, Hawke. You have a visitor."

Of course. He expected one of them to come, sooner or later. Not Varric, too busy with the Inquisition business. But Isabela, acting like she doesn't care, demanding sex? Demanding consolation? Or Anders, so full of guilt. 

He turns his head to see Aveline, already alone, her boots and armor still covered in red dust, the same color as her hair. Anderfels seems to be nothing but dust at this time of the year. Even here, behind the high walls of the Weisshaupt Fortress, he feels the dust everywhere, in the dry air, on his skin, in his hair and eyes, between his teeth as he opens his mouth to speak. 

"It's a long way from Kirkwall to come for a friendly visit. I am surprised they actually let you in. So she send you, didn't she? She send you to take me away somewhere. You're late." 

"I was busy."

"With Sebastian's crusade, I know. News do come here, as surprising as it might be. So?"

His tone is harsh and for a moment he hopes she would at least shift or avoid his eyes. But Aveline never bothered to find Carver intimidating and it hasn't changed since their first year in Kirkwall.

"She asked me to take you away from Orlais as soon as she heard about Wardens acting strange."

"And she couldn't come with it to me, of course."

He starts to clean the mess he made, just so he doesn't have to look at her. That way she can't see his shaking hands either. The broken dummies are reduced to nothing but fire fuel for colder nights so he throws them under the wall. The person responsible for making them will be quite mad at Carver. He can't bring himself to care. 

"Well, she was too late. Every Warden outside Orlais was already called back to Weisshaupt or other strongholds. We weren't far away. Reached the fortress in four days."

Weisshaupt Fortress closed its gates and opened it again when the fake Calling stopped. The song was too loud for many weeks, but not as loud as it used to be close to Orlais or Ferelden. The fortress itself wasn't a quiet place either, it resembled Ostagar a little too much for his liking, Ostagar in the days before the battle, loud and full of people trying to hide their fear. For once he's glad for silence.

"Why are you here, Aveline? The mess is over. I've got Varric's letter."

For a slight moment her voice becomes a little softer, a little more caring. Sadder.

"I came to make sure you're okay."

"As you can see, I am."

"Then I wasted my time, I guess."

Somewhere on his left he can hear her heavy steps moving away. He speaks again, without looking at her. 

"She needed a liaison inside the Wardens. Yet she never came to me. Who could she trust more than me? Stroud? She barely knew him."

"Was it because we didn't always agree? Or because she thought of this order as a relic of the past? Or, after all this years, she still thought I am not capable of―"

"She wanted to protect you."

"News for her, I am twenty nine. A Warden for last ten years, Senior Warden for quite a while. I don't need her protection anymore."

I never did, he wants to add, but that isn't exactly true.Those rare moment he spent alone with his father were never about him, but father taught him how to fight against magic with a sword. You're the lone blade in a house of mages, Carver. You need to protect your sisters. They might be powerful, but many will try to hurt them. Promise me Carver, you need to promise me, and he did, because back then he would do anything to please his father.

Marian never let him fulfill that promise, somehow becoming the head of their family. He tried, once, leaving Lothering to fight at Ostagar. He got home too late to take his mother and sisters to safety, and Bethany paid the price. 

"Well, you won't have it. You're the last Hawke now, Carver. You don't live in anybody else's shadow anymore. Congratulations."

"Do you really think I wanted that?"

"Nobody ever knew what you wanted."

He wanted Bethany to be alive. He wanted to fight that ogre instead of her. He should have warned her to not use fire. He saw ogres at the Ostagar, fire made them crazy, fire made them furious. For years he wanted his home back. He almost got it, at the Vigil's Keep, for a while. He went to visit Lothering but there was nothing left to see. 

He wanted to never understand why exactly father taught him how to fight against magic instead of how to fight against templars. He wanted to be Carver, not Hawke, because Hawke always meant her. He wanted to be Hawke. He never wanted Hawke to mean just him. 

Losing Bethany felt like losing a limb. Losing Marian feels like all those spells father cast at him to make him fight, those burns Bethany used to cure without asking questions, before mother could see them. All of it pointless in the end, even if he would like to believe differently. That Marian haven't died there, that she's alive and kicking, and, knowing her luck, creating another Dark City by accident. 

"What are you going to do now?" she asks. I haven't decided yet, he wants to say, but he doesn't. 

"Stroud wants me in Orlais. Warden-Commander Howe wants me in Ferelden. I... don't exactly want to see Stroud or Varric right now, so Ferelden it is."

She nods and she looks like she's ready to go, her duty here done. She feels uncomfortable, he realizes, one of very little not tainted people around, and he suspects she doesn't like the Wardens much, maybe because her husband died of the taint and Carver didn't. Or maybe, like everything, it's about Marian.

She stands out, all silver and orange and red, while everybody else, including Carver, is gray and blue. He tries to imagine Marian instead and it's easy. She would stand out too, black and red, all in her champion glory, the whole world revolving around her.

"Do you blame me?", he asks Aveline and she doesn't seem surprised by the question. Do you blame the Wardens? Do you blame anybody at all?

"It isn't about you", she answers, and for once, he doesn't try to argue.

**Author's Note:**

> As a Polish native who rarely write in English I apologize for all mistakes I possibly made.
> 
> The title comes from Emily Palermo's poem [Happenings](http://starredsoul.tumblr.com/post/85275161812/i-wake-up-and-the-anger-has-been-waiting-for-me).


End file.
